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The convenience of dating apps and the massive amount of people you can meet on them have changed the dating game forever. But with all the good dating apps can do, they can also make life hella complicated. Say, for instance, you're going about your happily coupled-up life when you discover your partner is still on a dating app, even though they're in a relationship with you. ~Record scratch.~ You're probably wondering what the person you believed to be very much off the market is doing swiping left and right. In a case like this, Eric Resnick, a professional dating profile writer and online dating coach, tells Elite Daily you shouldn't panic. Studies have shown that a significant portion of young people use dating apps as a distraction or confidence boost, rather than to actually meet someone. Your partner popping up on Hinge could just be a result of their desire for external validation.
Nevertheless, get to the bottom of things and ask your partner why they're still on a dating app when they're clearly in a relationship with you. Here's how the experts suggest approaching this oh-so-modern and not uncommon dating issue.
What Your Partner's Dating Profile Means For Your Relationship
When you first discover your partner on a dating app, whether you find out through a friend who found them or a spontaneous swiping spree of your own, it’s important to keep an open mind and not jump to the worst conclusions. As Julie Spira, online dating expert and author of Love in the Age of Trump: How Politics is Polarizing Relationships tells Elite Daily, there may be a handful of reasons why they're popping up.
“[It could be that] they deleted their profile from their phone but didn't deactivate it,” she says. “This falls into the category of digital housekeeping. Not everyone knows exactly how to permanently delete a dating profile. I've even seen profiles of people who were happily married who had no idea their profile was still lingering on a dating app. If this is the case, your partner should download the app again, and together, change the settings to delete the dating app, instead of just removing it,” she explains.
It could also be what Resnick suggested: They're just looking at profiles with no intention of engaging. But Spira says this behavior could be a bad sign when it comes to the ongoing health of your relationship. “This activity probably means they're questioning your relationship, [or] wondering who else is out there,” she explains. “This is a form of emotional cheating, but it isn't the end of the world. If this is the case, it's time to communicate about what your partner likes about your relationship and address areas that could be improved.”
If your partner is 'actively matching, chatting, and meeting others behind your back,” Spira says this can be considered cheating 'unless you've agreed to an open relationship.” Ultimately, there's only one way to determine which of these scenarios you’re dealing with: Talk to them about it.
Now What?
How you approach the issue will depend largely on the nature of your relationship. “Are you still in that getting-to-know-you phase, or have you become exclusive?' Resnick asks. 'If it's the former, just let it be. You haven't committed to each other and what they do isn't your business.” If it still bothers you, Resnick says you may want more from the relationship, and it may be time to talk to the person you're dating about where you stand. “If you decide that it's time to go exclusive, then you can ask if they are still on any dating sites,' he suggests. 'It is not uncommon for people in a relationship to ceremonially delete their dating accounts together.”
If you're already exclusive and find your partner's profile is still active, Diana Dorell intuitive dating coach and author ofThe Dating Mirror: Trust Again, Love Again, says having an honest conversation about what you found is important. “Decide what you want to do about it. If you want to keep the relationship, then a calm, cool approach is best,” she tells Elite Daily.
One tactic all the experts say to avoid is catfishing. Don’t make a fake profile just to try messaging your partner and seeing if they respond. “No one wants to be with a partner who's a stalker, and before you start accusing your steady beau of cheating, you should try to find out what's going on,” says Spira. “Know that if you create a fake profile to catch them in the act, you can kiss your relationship goodbye.”
How To Approach Your Partner.
Once you've taken a deep breath and feel ready to talk to your partner, Dorell suggests considering what you want to achieve with the conversation so you can be intentional in your approach. “Decide what it is you want. Is it to feel heard? For them to admit it so you don't feel crazy? To break up?' She says before making any sort of accusations, gather evidence. Screenshots or their open dating app profile work here.
Spira says to be direct. “If you've agreed to be exclusive, and you've both taken down your profiles, I recommend you say the following: ‘My friend [insert name] was swiping right on Tinder, and somehow she got matched with you.’ Then show your partner the screenshot, and button your lips, because it's time to listen to the explanation,' she says.
Dorell agrees it's essential to give your partner plenty of space to respond. “Pay attention to your intuition. You'll know if they are lying because your body will tell you,' she explains. 'Your job in this conversation is to get to the truth and that's something you'll know within you. Then, you can decide what you want to do next.”
Ultimately, it will be up to you and your partner to determine what happens next. Maybe they'll log in, delete their profile once and for all, and you can proceed as you were. On the other hand, you might decide to go your separate ways and move on. The key is to trust your intuition and do what feels right for you.
“If you find out your partner has a second life on a dating app, know that you're not alone,' says Spira. 'It takes a few minutes to create or reactivate a dating profile, and if you're not their one-and-only, about 50 million plus other singles are waiting to meet you.” Hang in there, you've got this.
The best part of dating apps can also be one of the most frustrating. There are new apps being made available every day, claiming to be 'the relationship app' or 'the hookup app.' Despite the marketing, a seemingly endless number of people use these apps for so many different reasons, from those who are new to a city and looking for friends to show them around, to those who are set on finding true love online. What women are looking for on dating apps varies from woman to woman, and is completely dependent on where she is in her life and what her current priorities are.
While I'm a big advocate of being honest about what you're looking for in relationships early on, people aren't always 100 percent sure of what they want. Even if a person says they're looking for more than just a hookup, that doesn't mean they're really ready to commit. Take it from these women; even if you are upfront about why you're on dating apps, not all of your matches are guaranteed to be as straightforward.
Finding someone on a dating app who is looking for the exact same thing as you are isn't always easy, but it's definitely worth it. Here's the honest truth about what six single women are really hoping to find on dating apps.
This woman is looking for a more serious relationship.
In the past, I used [dating apps] to find friends with benefits. Good sex and a bit of charisma, at the very least. Now however, I use them to try to find a more serious relationship, and even though I advertise that on my profile (and ask men looking for hookups to swipe left), I still get a ton of men who match with me and try to just have a hookup-based relationship. Several dudes in the recent months have initially acted like they, too, wanted relationships, but then revealed within weeks that they just wanted casual sex.
— Olivia, 27
This woman just wants to meet someone she can have fun with.
I recently moved to New York, so I don’t have a lot of expectations just yet. The city is new and so are the people. So if and when I decide to actually commit to a dating app, I really am looking for someone to just have fun with, whether that ends up being a hookup, a short fling, or something more serious.
— Carley, 23
This woman wants to find a boyfriend.
I have profiles on Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge. What I’m looking for depends on my mood, but ... I do want a boyfriend. I’ve gone on a couple dates and actually ended up 'talking' to someone [from a dating app]. Things didn’t work out, but it was nice to bond with someone.
— Tara, 25
This woman is searching for a friend with benefits.
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I’m looking for something more serious than a one night stand, but less serious than a relationship, partially due to the fact that I'm leaving the area and don’t want to get attached to anyone. I haven’t been successful, because I feel that most guys [on dating apps] are looking for a one night stand. I kind of see it as a friends with benefits or no strings attached situation. It’s the best of both worlds: no constant texting, no dates, no holding hands or mushy things, but still friendship with sex.
— Ana*, 23
This woman wants a serious relationship.
I got into online dating after a seven-year relationship ended. After I turned 27, I realized that I'd pretty much maxed out all my social circles — basically, I knew my friends' friends, I'm not in a workplace where I meet a lot of people my age — and that if I wanted to meet new people it'd have to be through an app. I've had multiple successful relationships with men I've met via dating apps, and it's why I'm using it again right now. I'm looking for a serious relationship. I don't advertise that, but depending on which app you use, it's pretty safe to assume that people I'm matching with are looking for the same thing. In the past I've looked for casual relationships or a serious relationship and I've found both via dating apps. Some of these relationships that I had on dating apps have now turned into friendships. In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to use dating apps and I could meet people organically, but that's just not my reality right now.
— Sara, 29
This woman is open to anything, but eventually hopes to build to a relationship.
I am on a few dating apps and generally have the outlook of being open to anything, with the goal of building to a relationship. I have talked to several people on the apps and have met with some in person (the ones I seem to gel with the most). I think especially at a younger age, people are less looking for a relationship which is understandable, but can be discouraging. I’ve just gotten back in the game because I stopped for a while. It was just getting tiring. My advice? Don’t resort to just one app. Try many.
Looking For Friends On Dating App Online
— Sidney*, 24
It's easy to get dating app fatigue when you aren't totally sure what you're trying to find. Knowing what you want to get out of using a dating app is the first step to actually meeting someone whose preferences align with yours.
Friends Dating Site
*Name has been changed.
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